Over the past few years, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about theology and parenting. From starting a doctoral program to writing a soon-to-be-defended dissertation to planning a book and seminars, I’ve been working on giving people healthy ways to think about God as they raise their children. Before going too far down this path, I realized a fundamental question precedes my pondering and planning: Do we need a parenting theology, and if so, why?
A simple look at history tells us that people have been parenting ever since humans first appeared on the Earth. Over time, parenting methods emerged that were more conducive to the next generation’s survival. Those methods persisted and were passed down from one generation to the next. In some cultures, parenting depended deeply on a society’s view of the divine. In others, a shared theology was less valued.
In the current age, scientific methods allow psychologists to study different approaches to parenting. Parenting styles that emphasize parental responsiveness and direction have been shown to help children become adults who contribute to society with higher self-confidence and psychological stability. I refer to these approaches to parenting as nurturant and contrast them to authoritarian approaches, which emphasize parental control and minimize parental responsiveness. Many high-quality parenting resources help parents utilize a nurturant parenting style without incorporating theology.
Both historically and currently, being a “good parent” does not depend on having a parenting theology. However, parents can benefit from seeing God as a nurturant parent and incorporating this view into their parenting. Open and relational parenting encourages parents to see God this way and emulate these divine characteristics as they guide their children.
In our current culture, many parents have been given a parenting approach based on an authoritarian view of God that is inconsistent with the best parenting styles. The theology behind this approach sees God as an all-powerful, unchanging deity who is the ultimate authority figure. This highly demanding and minimally responsive image of God portrays God as an authoritarian parent. This authoritarian view of God sees parents as ambassadors of God’s authority to their children. Children must yield to parental authority to learn to yield to God’s authority.
The theology behind this approach is inconsistent with scripture’s portrayal of God as listening and responding to people while empowering them to make better decisions and actions. This authoritarian parenting guidance is at odds with a healthy, nurturant approach, yet it is frequently given to young parents by their faith communities. Families can find themselves in a dilemma between the approach advised by their theological tradition and that provided by psychologists and pediatricians. Open and relational parenting can give these families an image of God as a nurturant parent that harmonizes with evidence-based advice.
Open and relational theology understands God as primarily and essentially loving. Although we can identify many aspects of God’s love, its aspirational and responsive characteristics present God as a nurturant parent. God’s love is aspirational, not in that God aspires to love, but by holding divine aspirations for what we will do with the possibilities for every moment. God actively guides us toward divine aspirations for overall flourishing. In every moment, we may choose to follow God’s aspirations, or we may not. Regardless of our choice, divine love is responsive, as God responds every moment to our decisions and actions, incorporating them into new possibilities and aspirations for the next moment. A God who loves by guiding and responding to creation is a nurturant parent.
Open and relational parenting can also help parents employ a nurturant parenting style. Parents can look to the way God loves us to see ways to love and guide their children better by emulating divine love and nurturant characteristics. Open and relational parents aspire for their children and guide them toward those aspirations through empowerment. They lovingly respond to their children’s decisions and actions, directing them toward new possibilities for the future. Using these and other aspects of God’s love as guidance can shape how we love, guide, empower, discipline, encourage, and empathize with our children.
Do we need a parenting theology? No, not necessarily. Many good, nurturant parents never think about theology. Interestingly, an open and relational view sees God as active in those parents’ lives continually, although unconsciously, guiding them toward possibilities of flourishing. Other parents find their lives richer when they consider God an example and partner. For them, a theology that presents God as a nurturant parent gives them new ways to imagine their parenting.
I find open and relational theology helpful as I look for ways to help parents as they raise their children. I enjoy applying its principles to specific situations and am exploring ways to share these ideas with more people. Thanks for reading what I write and passing it on to others who might find it helpful.
photo: flux forge ai
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