Loving despite what others do
My dad grew up as one of three boys. They were each three years apart, starting with my Uncle Herrold, followed by my Uncle Bud, and finally followed by my dad, Charles. I remember hearing stories of their childhood antics whenever our family was together for holidays. Some of those stories were fantastic and almost unbelievable. Others involved safety risks that are unimaginable for today’s parents. The story that I remember best could happen in any family today and is about age-old childhood themes: rule-breaking and dishonesty.
One day, when my dad and uncles were twelve, fifteen, and eighteen, my grandma went to the store and left the boys home alone, reminding them to be careful and not break anything while she was gone. After she had been gone a bit, the boys took advantage of their unsupervised situation and pulled out the football. What started as gentle tossing soon became a full-on game, and the next thing they knew, their mom’s favorite lamp lay smashed on the floor. Knowing they would get in trouble if she discovered the broken lamp, the boys devised a plan. They carefully picked up the broken lamp and, piece by piece, glued it back together and placed it back on the table. They thought they would get away with their plan, and for a while, it worked. However, after a few weeks, she noticed the broken lamp. The boys’ non-sanctioned football game, the broken lamp, and their coverup attempt were all exposed.
I don’t know the consequence of the boys’ shenanigans because that detail wasn’t told as part of the story. When we heard this story as children, we were reminded about the importance of rule-following and honesty. We were also reminded that Grandma loved her boys in spite of what they had done.
This is my third essay exploring three common Greek words describing love’s aspects. In his book Pluriform Love, Thomas Jay Oord identifies ways love is expressed based on three Greek words for love: eros, philia, and agape. Here, I’ll discuss agape as it relates to parenting.
Agape is an expression of love Oord refers to as in-spite-of love. Greek philosophers rarely used this word, but it became a staple in Christian Scripture. Perhaps more so than eros or philia, agape has many forms. Oord identifies agape more specifically, suggesting “we particularly identify it with action that promotes well-being when responding to that which is harmful, threatening, or strange. Thinking about it this way, agape as a form of love repays evil with good, as Jesus, Paul, and Peter put it.” [1] Jesus gave an example of this form of agape when teaching responses to hurtful enemies.
But I say to you that listen, Love [Agapate] your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. If anyone strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also; and from anyone who takes away your coat do not withhold even your shirt. Give to everyone who begs from you; and if anyone takes away your goods, do not ask for them again. Do to others as you would have them do to you. ‘If you love [agapate] those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive as much again. But love [agapate] your enemies, do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return. Your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High; for he is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.[2]
Agape works toward well-being by mercifully responding to wrongdoing, evil, and enemies.
God demonstrates in-spite-of love repeatedly in scripture. Soon after the Israelites left Egypt, they complained about their hunger, and God responded by providing manna to feed them in spite of their complaints.[3] On another occasion, the Israelites complained, plotted to return to Egypt, and threatened to stone Moses and Aaron. Moses took their case to God, asking for their forgiveness, and God forgave them in spite of their rebellion.[4] Finally, Jesus demonstrated God’s in-spite-of love during his crucifixion, praying for his executioners: “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.” [5]
God also responds with love in spite of creatures’ failure to cooperate with the divine call. As John Cobb puts it, “[God] nurtures, urges, persuades, inspires, and guides. But he does not compel. Again and again, he offers me new possibilities when I choose again and again to refuse the old. Because of God there is always the possibility in each moment to start again.” [6] God offers new possibilities for overall well-being every moment in spite of creation’s repeated rejection.
As parents, we use in-spite-of love with our children when they respond to damaging, unsafe, or hurtful behavior with kind words that offer better alternatives for the future. For example, in response to a child’s angry words, a parent may say, “I recognize that you are angry, but words like that hurt others. I want to understand your feelings, and I can do that better when you speak calmly and kindly.”
Parents can also use in-spite-of love like my grandma did with her boys. Loving our children in-spite of their poor choices doesn’t ignore the consequences of their decisions or make us permissive parents. In-spite-of love allows us to help them see the consequences of their mistakes and guide them toward better possibilities in the future.
As children grow older and exercise more freedom, in-spite-of love allows us to accept and support our children’s decisions. As parents, we may imagine our children going to college, choosing a particular career, and living nearby so the grandchildren can visit and have cookies after school. Children’s choices never exactly match their parents’ hopes. We strengthen our relationship with our older children and improve overall well-being by sharing our children’s successes, failures, happiness, and sadness without blaming or creating shame. When parents love their children in spite of their choices, new possibilities for flourishing arise.
We always want to show our children they are loved. Various circumstances require us to show our love in different ways. If we think about eros, philia, and agape as because-of, alongside-of, and in-spite-of love, we have tools that help us show love to our children in each situation and moment.
[1] Thomas Jay Oord, Pluriform Love: An Open and Relational Theology of Well-Being (Grasmere, ID: SacraSage, 2022), 89.
[2] Lk 6:27-36 (NRSV).
[3] Ex 16 (NRSV).
[4] Nm 14:1-20 (NRSV).
[5] Lk 23:34 (NRSV).
[6] John B. Cobb Jr, John B. Cobb, Jr.: Selected Writings of a Christian Theologian, ed. Tripp Fuller and Andrew Schwartz (Grasmere, ID: SacraSage, 2023), 138.
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